I am a huge supporter of breast milk and breastfeeding – IF and big IF it works for you and your family. I swore up and down that my babies would be breastfed and I think my goals and expectations were a little lofty. My girls were born 5 weeks premature – healthy, but very little. Madison weighed in at 4 pounds 5 ounces and Isabelle at 4 pounds 11 ounces.
Maddy spent two weeks in the NICU as a “grower/feeder” – learning to eat and being supplemented with NG feeds. Aside from me being devastated for so many reasons that my baby was in the NICU (a blog post for another time), I was so mad that the medical team gave my baby girl formula without even asking or telling me. After discharge, I was told both girls needed to be supplemented with high calorie formula in order to ensure healthy weight gain. Of course I did what I was told, but felt immensely guilty about it.
My girls never really learned how to latch. I was told by the doctors to try breastfeeding one baby for ten minutes (as to not wear her out), then the other, then pump, then bottle feed them both. I tried for weeks to do this. Waking up in the middle of the night every 3 hours to pump and during the day attempting this crazy routine. It felt like I would finish one feed, clean the bottles and pump parts and then it was time for the next.
I had weekly visits to lactation consultant and feeding OT to help my babies learn to latch better. I kept telling myself that if they learned to breastfeed all this pumping and crazy feeding routine would be worth it in the end. My mission was to make sure they got breast milk for as long as possible as I had learned in school and at work that “breast is best”. But I was killing myself over it. I was always attached to the pump and couldn’t console my crying babies half the time because I couldn’t pick them up while wearing the pump. After 3 months I finally decided to exclusively pump and give up on trying to breastfeed. So that was a little bit of a relief… but not really. I cried so often while I was pumping. Because I spilled milk, or because I didn’t get enough sleep, or because I only produced 8 oz in a 30 minute pumping session (not enough for one feeding), or because my boobs hurt, or because my girls were screaming and I had the damn pump on. It felt endless and like I was spiraling down a black hole.
It took me 5 months to realize I was driving myself insane over trying to produce enough breast milk for 2 babies. I finally decided to stop and it was the best decision I have ever made. I was no longer tied to the house because I needed to pump and I could spend more time with my girls, get more sleep, and ultimately be a better mom.
Do I wish I could have given my girls breast milk for longer – absolutely. But would I ever do this again? NO WAY. I have no regrets, but I would be kinder to myself if I have kids again. I would certainly try to breastfeed again, but I would not put so much pressure on myself. And I don’t think I could exclusively pump again. Ultimately formula is fine – good even. My girls will be healthy and happy and smart and no one will have any idea that they were formula fed vs. breastfed.
Moral of the story: do what works for you. It is more important to be a good parent than to give your baby breast milk. No one talks about how hard it is to breastfeed, so be kind to yourself. Feed and love your baby (or babies) and that is really all that matters.
Rachel is a mama to two beautiful identical twin girls, Izzy and Maddy, and lives in Atlanta with her husband, girls, and cute little pup. Rachel graduated with honors from New York University earning a Bachelor of Science in Nursing degree and the Founders’ Day Scholar Award. She also received her Masters of Science in Nursing degree from New York University. Rachel has spent the majority of her career as a pediatric nurse and currently works in pediatric oncology.
One Comment
Brenda Caplan
Such great information. I’m looking forward to reading more!